I'm such a horrible friend.

[Note: Maybe this is beyond your imagination but this is a true inner voice in me, I don't usually share things like that about me.]

I'm such a horrible friend.

Sometimes people put up walls not to keep others out but to see who cares enough to tear them down. I do put up walls, but I don't do it intentionally and don't expect anyone to come across them. Of course I'd really appreciate that if you even bother to try.

Sometimes, I have problems holding proper conversations even with my closest friends, I don't msn/sms much with my best friends and I don't 'bou tin hua zuk' with my besties. Believe it nor not, I feel awkward(What's wrong with me?). But that doesn't mean that I don't care.

Besides laziness(which is only a minor factor), I think it's because of my plummeting self-esteem.(Ya, true! Can,t remember since when but this is something I find hard to regain.) I even noticed sometimes I don't look into people's eyes when I talk to them. And when I'm with people I don't know so well, I find myself just feel like an escape. If you notice I don't talk much when you are trying to make conversations with me, I'm not LC, just that I feel shy. *cough cough*

Also, I've grown up in a family that don't make much noise, my siblings and I were trained that way. Being quiet = behaving well. Even in kindergarten and primary school we were trained that way. Quiet at school and at home. This mindset has been tattooed into my brain. 'Wherever you go and whatever you do, just keep  your mouth shut.' I was taken away the ability to make conversations since I was small, so this is something I'm really suck at even now. Sorry if you ever talked to me and find it hard to keep the conversations going.

Thanks for all my friends who accept me for who I am. Thanks for not abandoning me when I'm being such a horrible friend to you.

P/S:

What inspired me to this post?

It's all my friends who remembered and celebrated my birthday with me, including those I did not take initiative to keep in contact with, those whom I seldom talked to, I feel blessed!